Lydia, Every Day I Think of You

Two years ago we lost Lydia.

I can only imagine what others, much more closely entwined in Lydia's life, have gone through these past two years. Lydia's fiance, Sam, her grandfather, her brother & sister she was soooo close with - BillyJoe and Faith, her mother... Days of endless mental anguish? Never-ending questions of what-ifs and whys? Deep, deep sadness...

I know for myself, loosing her has been extremely difficult. Perhaps, in some ways, selfishly, it has made me focus on myself, my flaws, the ways in which I wish I had been a better friend. It is extremely humbling. It shows me the fragility of life. The brevity of this chapter. I think of how we were just in high school, sharing TenderHeart Clinique lipstick before our Calculus class together -more interested in the cute boys than the math. Tough family dynamics and more. We 'got' each other.

I think of how much Lydia loved children - and how at 29, I am a deeply fulfilled mother. She did not experience that - and oh, how she would have shone so brightly in the mother role.

I will not forget, two years ago, the day my mother called me to tell me, so very hesitantly that something had happened to Lydia (she died at 27 of bacterial meningitis). I remember how I felt. A hot flush as the slow words trickled out, a surreal moment, a there-is-no-way possible feeling. I am filled with sadness and what-ifs myself. I know I will see her again, though. I know I will be able to tell her in person, all things that I want to say.

Love you Lydie-bug. Jesus, keep her near and fill her with our love and thoughts.